"If You Knew Then What I Know Now," by Ryan Van Meter

Ryan Van Meter’s “If You Knew Then What I Know Now” (Sarabande, 2011) is a set of connected autobiographical essays, focusing on the author’s gay identity and the long process of coming out to himself and then to others. The essays are honest, moving, and sometimes quite funny. Van Meter, who teaches at the same university I do (University of San Francisco), is an engaging writer. His stories of his childhood are all about his own innocence and his many years of denial about his sexuality, despite being teased and called “faggot” by classmates and others. What helped him get through that difficult period, it seems, was his loving parents. Although they didn’t quite know how to respond to their “different” son, they were unwavering in their love and support, and he dedicates this book to them. I heard Van Meter read from this book at a recent author event on campus, and he has a candid, humorous demeanor. It seems that writing about himself, his relationships, and his life has been therapeutic for him as well as informative, touching, consciousness-raising, and even entertaining for his readers and listeners.