"Hourglass: Time, Memory, Marriage," by Dani Shapiro

Dani Shapiro has written a lovely, thoughtful, sad, inspiring, and thought-provoking memoir about marriage (and life…). “Hourglass: Time, Memory, Marriage” (Knopf, 2017) is Shapiro’s fourth memoir, so does not claim to be an all-inclusive take on her life, but instead focuses on the 18 years of her (third) marriage, to the man she here calls “M.” Before their marriage, M. was a foreign correspondent all over the world, including in many dangerous war-torn countries. He is now a writer, notably a screenwriter. Shapiro herself is a longtime writer. The couple married when she was 35 and he was 41. They are now in their fifties, with a sixteen-year-old son, and live in Connecticut. This memoir appears to be remarkably candid, yet at the same time Shapiro is respectful of the feelings of her husband; this is a true balancing act. They seem to be deeply in love, yet have had to deal with difficult pressures and questions and events, as almost all married couples do. Both the author and M., individually and together, wonder about the roads not taken in the past, and worry about the future. Shapiro faces head-on the fact that all married couples know (if they allow themselves to think about it): no matter how much they love each other, and no matter how long they have been together, they never truly know each other completely, and they can never be completely sure about what the future will bring to their marriage and their lives. Shapiro’s writing is insightful, beautiful, full of vivid examples, and always inconclusive, just like life. Marriage is both made of specific events, feelings, and phases, on the one hand, and completely mysterious, on the other hand. And it is sometimes heartbreaking, as Shapiro clearly shows. She effectively draws on literary sources. She gracefully moves back and forth between the immediate and the longterm, between the specific and the general. Intertwined with the topic of marriage are, as the title indicates, the topics of time and memory. This is a beautiful, evocative little (145 pages) book that I recommend to anyone who is or has been or plans to be married, or in a similar relationship. I know that while and after reading “Hourglass,” I did some thinking about and made some connections with my own longish (OK, 38 years long) marriage. Here I want to give tribute to my very recently widowed friend B. and her late husband S., the latter of whom died last week, and their 67-year marriage. They have had their share of ups and downs regarding life circumstances, but they have had one of the most solid, joyful, and inspiring marriages I know, along with being two of the kindest, best people I know.